December 18, 2017

Can’t a guy just order a bagel the way he wants?

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Warning:  If you hate bagel scoopers, do not read this post.  You may hate me for it.  I will still like you though.

I took my son to Brooklyn Bagels on Broadway by 35th street in Astoria this morning.  It’s my favorite local spot for a classic New York bagel.  The bagels have a great taste and a gorgeous seed studded crust, the aroma is to die for.  The place is clean, well designed, staffed with terrific friendly people and they really work hard to give you a good product.

It’s 9am and the line is getting long and unruly. People wanting coffee, bagels and to get back home with the goodies.  Finally it’s our turn. I order a buttered bagel on toasted sesame for my son and a scooped out everything bagel, toasted with cream cheese for myself.  All good until the woman on line behind me makes a noise and rolls her eyes.  Seriously?

Oh yes, I forgot the stories last year about customers hating other customers who request the scoop.  That’s right,  scooping people are ruining other people’s lives with these special requests AND I asked for it toasted too!  Oh no, more time consuming requests!  Well ya know what?  If there is a toaster behind the counter for UMMMM toasting then I think it’s within the realm of normal to ask for a toasted bagel.  As for the scooping, well ya know what?  Bagels have gotten out of hand over the years.  When I was a kid growing up in NYC the bagels were big but nothing like the steroid abused bagels of today.  So what if I ask to have some of the bread removed, is it really popping up on your radar as the problem of the century?  If yes then good for you.  The economy, health and war debates must be having no effect on you whatsoever.  And if that’s the case my bagel order shouldn’t really matter at all then.

Back to the story.  The woman behind me is glaring at the bagel guy while he works on my order when oh, about three seconds later,  another bagel person steps up  and asks for her order!  Yeah, didn’t really take all that long to get served now did it? She orders a cinnamon bagel with strawberry cream cheese and grape jelly.  Well, now i’m about to explode on her because that is the most effed up bagel order of all time.  Before bagels went main steam there were four kinds of cream cheese. Plain, vegetable, scallion and lox.  That’s it.  Now it’s like the Baskin Robbins of cream cheese. Why not just go to the donut shop and get a freakin’ jelly filled donut?  Maybe that’s not fattening enough so you are going for the donut bagel combo ideaHow about some sprinkles and hot fudge sauce too. She’s pulling the purist bagel line on me and she orders the most un bagel like order of all time.  But ya know what?  It’s her dime and her order so I just smile at her and go about my business.  Pay for my order and exit stage left.  See that, she never knew a thing (unless she is reading this post, which I doubt because she is obviously a heathen and probably not a skilled reader).  Probably in a sugar coma and fast asleep on her couch by now anyway.

The moral of the story is live and let live.  Order what you want and enjoy.  Besides, you never know who might be dissing you and your choices.

Man, it felt good to get that off my chest.  Feel free to write in your favorite rants and I will post them.


  1. Maybe she was anticipating feeling guilty about her ridiculous order, so she thought she’d turn the judgment on you instead.

  2. Jenny in Astoria says:

    Out of curiosity – do you order the mini-bagel scooped? or the regular size?

  3. Didn’t know bagels had gotten supersized. they’re small and not very good here. no scooping for us. It was a great rant. I’ve been reading your posts and web site and am enjoying them. Keep on writing and cooking.

  4. What is a bagel in this world anymore ? It isn’t simple. Nothing in this world is simple, we live in a world of custom made. Have it your way, she should have known it, she just didn’t want you to enjoy the same amount of customization as she wanted and felt she deserved. Did she get a grape Fanta with her bagel as well ? Happy to know Leo didn’t need anything special for his breakfast. But I am a little nervous that a Jewish boy is eating bagels & butter. He needs to start using the cream cheese. Not a smear, but a thick layering of the Phillie.

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